A Phalanx of Ineptitude

It's always funny to me when students who haven't applied themselves for one reason or the other decide in the homestretch to try and earn an "A", when it's quite clear they'll be getting the grade at the other end of the spectrum.

Regarding this issue, last week was definitely trying for me as I did my best to remain a fair and impartial teacher. Here are some things I heard and had to put on my best poker face to avoid laughing outloud at the students who uttered them:

• "Can't you just give me C? I need it for my transcripts when I apply to grad school."

What I thought: Do you think I care, perennially absent phantom student?
What I said: "Let's think about something. If an employee didn't go to his/her job for 2 months, never calling or e-mailing the boss with an excuse, should that person expect a paycheck?"

• "I heard you were a nice teacher, so I took your class because I thought it would be easy."

What I thought: Well, you thought wrong.
What I said: "I'm glad to hear you were interested in taking a class with me. But, now you've learned the important difference between the deceptively close meaning of these two words."

• "I'd better get an A. I'm getting A's in all my other classes."

What I thought: You'd better pray to get even a C.
What I said: "It's possible that those other classes have a different grading system. Please check your syllabus again to see the requirements made clear on the first day of class regarding work necessary for a successful grade. Some work hasn't been done."

Note my use of rhetorical questions and passive voice in my responses. I'm getting really good at covering my a$$ and not pointing fingers. If you're a teacher, I suggest you learn to do the same. Also, I'm finally attacking my grade sheet in Excel so I have further proof of student missteps in case my teaching and/or grading procedure is called into question because of these bad apples.